Thursday, October 14, 2010

Da Draws- Part II- Incest

In the woman you have the true church of God! Why, because there is no other temple that man can enter and come out with new life. If her mate enters her mind with the true love and light of God, then all that she creates will reflect that immaculate concept. 

Unfortunately, men, as whole, have become morally impotent. When a man puts no worthy spiritual cultivation in the soil of the woman, he receives no worthy harvest; nothing that will insure his divine immortality. -Queen Afua...

The above passages is from the book called Overcoming an Angry Vagina! It is after a lot of passages of many women that have shared stories of their womb experiences from- hemorrhaging, hysterectomies, rape, incest, miscarriage, bad diet, menopause...etc...

Da Draws part II....incest....

A touchy subject but I really believe that this is a subject that the African community continues to push under the table. It is the hardest because it involves so many peoples feelings and beliefs. 
This story comes from the the little girls point of view. 

Every year my cousin (who is like a brother to me) asks me  are you coming to the family reunion this year? And every year i am like "why so that i can see a bunch of child molesters and rapist? I'm good."

My first family reunion i remember looking at all of the women and they all had these faces of sadness. None of them wanted to stay with their fathers. They all wanted to stay with another relative. I remember it clearly partially because it was the only reunion I ever attended and it was the year that my daddy called me a "bitch" on the front steps of the church right after preaching a sermon. It was the year that i found out family's dirty secret. Sure we were well off, into politics owned properties, health facilities... etc, but we had a secret..the men liked to molest little girls.

When i was little i had the most horrible relationship with my dad. He was never around.
So I had this Uncle (dad's cousin) who went to my church at the time who looked a lot like my dad. I put all of my pride in him because he was everything that my dad wasn't a father and husband to his family. 
He would always tell me that he had a daughter that i reminded him a lot of. I remember asking him "what happened to her?" He said to me "she doesn't speak to me anymore". 
I always wondered why they didn't speak. I could not imagine a daughter not speaking to a "nice man" like him. He was just that.. a really nice man. I remember some Sunday mornings he would give me hugs and would like feel on my ass. I remember thinking to myself " is that okay? I mean it is my uncle, right?" I did not know what to do. I felt so uncomfortable every time that this would happen because I had no one else to turn to. 
As i look back at it i feel like damn.. you ass whole you felt me up dude.. more than once! And in "the church" of all places! It makes me wonder what happened to other little girls in church.  Strangely enough these experiences began to stop when my mom began dating my stepfather. I guess my uncle was afraid of that good ass whoopin'. At least I found out why his daughter didn't speak to him.

I have never shared this story with anyone in my family, not even my mother.
I remember I was about 28 years old and my mother said "your uncle is sick. You should go by the hospital and go see him." I just remember saying "i will not go and see him." There was a strange silence.
All I could remember was my dad's(stepfather) worrisome expression and i proceeded to go upstairs to the bedroom.

The draws part II is about having to take off your draws when you necessarily don't want to. ...When women are taken advantage of in ways that are much worse than this.... When girls are repeatedly raped and molested by their dad's, uncles, brothers or cousins. What do we do then? In what state are our children born?

Our children are healing from much more than what they are facing.. they are having to heal from what their mothers and fathers have faced as well.

No Daddy! Stop! No Stop!....I just remember crying repeatedly over and over again! I was 22 years old and this was a memory or vision that was coming back to me. This is something that was suppressed in my soul for lifetimes it seems. It came as the answer to this question "Why did I hate my father(birth father) so much?" I had so much pain in my heart and i didn't know where it came from. And when i got the answer I hated him even more. I went into a complete utter depression. 

I got up the nerve to call him on the phone and ask him "Did you ever molest me?" He said, "What!" I said "You heard me. Did you ever molest  me when i was little? I need to know the truth dad!" 

My father was a chronic lier. Everything he said was a lie. He would lie about everything!

He was silent for a minute and then he responded angrily. "How dare you call up here and ask me something like that! I would kill a nigga if he ever put his hands on you! I didn't like nobody touching you but me! Your crazy ass momma and (step dad's name) put you up to this didn't they. I knew she was cheatin on me.. and blah blah blah blah blah, 

I recall being angry because this nigga started talking about my mother and you know i just hung up in his face. I didn't know what to think. All i knew is that he was mad that I had called him and asked him. I don't feel like I got an answer. I was angry and now my father was angry!  I didn't know why he was so angry.  I became even more sad.

Many months passed I went to therapy and continued going to sister circle meetings where i found to get the most healing.  
I had a dream about my father's mother and grandmother and she said that because I came looking for her "she now knew that i had loved my father".  The very next day my father called and told me that when he was little his father used to molest his sister, my aunt. He said it was the most horrible thing because he felt powerless. He felt like he wasn't a man because he could not protect his sister like a big brother should be able to do. After saying these words my father burst out into tears crying. He said "I never would touch you in any way. When you called asking me those questions. I was hurt because it reminded me of what I experienced as a child. I kept asking myself how did you know? I just want you to know that I love you and that I would not allow anything to happen to any of my children. I would go back to jail before i would let a man touch my child."  
All i could do is think of my aunt who at the time was an alcoholic. . She died a year later from a wasted liver still in pain from all that she experienced.  Her an alcoholic too.

I write this story for all families who have experienced incest. It hurts both men and women. Women and men are made to feel powerless and carry this powerlessness into their adulthood.  Pain is passed on through the semen and through the wombs in which our children are born.

Yet we still wonder why are our children so angry why are our women so willing to accept men who are unworthy or our wombs? It is a pattern created long before our birth. It is a ritual that needs to be broken.  More men and women need to gather the strength to speak out in numbers about this issue, because it eats away at not only our families, but it is eating our communities and the society that we are creating for the future.

People who i have shared this story with always ask..well were you molested? I say.. "I don't know." All I know is that my soul carried this memory from somewhere and it was left for me to deal with it and heal from it and do my best to help others who have experienced much worse heal from it as well.

Brothers and sisters. We are healing together. Say prayers for those still holding onto this pain. Pray that they can let go of it and allow love to flow into their lives. Pray that they be uplifted.

Post Update-
Two days after writing this post my father (birth father) called me with a sound mind and spirit. He stated that he had been sober for 3 months. I am proud that he is embarking on the journey of sobriety.  Keep our family in your prayers. Thanks for all of the love sent. 


  1. Wonderful post. Glad you shared. It is an issue very personal to me in many ways. I pray that we will first begin to acknowledge the seriousness of it, so we can really understand the trauma that it does. And then, we will be able to heal that trauma and be whole. Love ya!

  2. Thanks kk i am just releasing..much more to come

  3. So I just have to say that after writing this post that my dad (birth dad) called me sober. He had not had a drink for 3 months. He had so much peace in his heart. I am really proud of his journey. Keep him in your prayers as he embarks on this journey of sobriety.